Do you think a murderer deserves our unconditional forgiveness? What if he does not seem repentant?
A young man murdered my son in 2017. Some people say that it’s appropriate for me to be angry at the killer. Mark 11:15 says, “On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.” If Jesus became angry, I guess it’s alright if I choose to be angry.
For other people, they really try to forgive, but their pain won’t allow them to. They forgive only to change their mind. This happens over and over. Or maybe their friends tell them that the person does not deserve their forgiveness. This is precisely what happened to me.
But I chose to unconditionally forgive his killer because God commands us to do so. In Ephesians 4:32, the Lord’s inspired word says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.“
What is the definition of forgiveness?
My definition of forgiveness may be different than yours. Forgiveness to me means that I no longer hold the person at fault for the sin they committed, whether they are remorseful or not. I completely forgive them, but I may still feel the pain from my loss. I don’t hold a grudge, and I don’t judge them because I believe this is a requirement of God.
At the pretrial hearing, the killer and his attorney laughed. The killer often looked at me, and I felt terrified. I felt evil in the courtroom. Perhaps the devil was working overtime since he had just killed my son.
The attorney asked for a continuance since this was the first time the killer had met with his attorney. The judge rescheduled the pretrial for the following month. I didn’t think I could bear going back into the courtroom to see his smiling face and his dagger-shooting eyes. My pain was unbearable even though I had already forgiven him.
I refuse to go back to court.
So, I intentionally scheduled a trip out of the country, knowing I wouldn’t be able to change my mind and go to court at the last minute. My family would be at the second pretrial, so I didn’t need to be there.
The judge set the trial date, but it never happened since the defendant’s attorney arranged a plea deal. I prepared my victim’s impact statement. Since I am a Christian and trust God completely, I gained faith beyond words after my son died. I even gave the only eulogy at his funeral service. I am very strong by nature, but anyone who has lost a child knows how hard this is to do.
I am truly blessed because my faith grew, but what I experienced is probably not how most people feel. For those struggling after a tragedy, it is common for your faith to be damaged or weakened. If you turn to God and read His word, it will help you restore your faith. Cry out to our loving Father in prayer and ask Him to help you.
What should I say to my son’s killer?
I told him that I forgave him. I didn’t plan to say anything else, but God told me exactly what to say the morning of the sentencing.
All my life, I’ve prayed for God to give me His eyes. To make me Christ-like in character, actions, mannerisms, and conduct. God never ceases to amaze me with his power.
I walked into the courtroom and saw my son’s killer with his attorney. I noticed none of his family had shown up. At that moment, God gave me His eyes. So much so that I wanted to sit on the other side of the courtroom. I didn’t want the killer to feel alone, and I no longer felt the devil in him. God broke me and made me feel a love for this person that I can’t explain.
I was the only person making a statement, and here is what I said to him:
When I was doing my devotions this morning, God told me that He wants me to tell everyone about this message. It is Drivetime Devotions from Saddleback Church.
“The word of Christmas for today is the word love. If I asked you to summarize Christmas in 1 word, you might say giving or joy or family, maybe hope. But the essence of Christmas, at its very core, Christmas is about love. If you had to summarize Christmas in one word, that’s what it would be. L O V E – love.”
“The most famous verse in the Bible tells us that this is true. It’s John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life.'”
“That’s it. Christmas is all about love. The love of God who was willing to step into the brokenness and the messiness and the sinfulness of humanity and redeem us to Himself.”
“Think about the depth of God’s love for you by answering this question:”
“If you had a son and you knew your son was about to die because of something someone else had done and it was completely within your power to prevent his death, wouldn’t you stop it from happening?”
“At the very least, wouldn’t you try to take your son’s place so that he wouldn’t have to die unjustly? Of course you would.”
“Why? Because you love your son. Imagine then how much more God must love you that He would give His only begotten son to take your place and die for you, even when you were sinning against Him.”
“The Bible says ‘while we were sinners, Christ died for us.'”
“The depth of God’s love for us is unimaginable. The depth of His love for us is immeasurable. You might even say it’s irrational. It just doesn’t make sense that God would love you and me so deeply. But it’s true. The manger shows it: the cross proves it. The resurrection settles it, and the Holy Spirit in you guarantees it. We worship the only God who loves sinners. For God so loved the world.”
“God still loves the world. He doesn’t hate the world; He loves the world & He wants to love the world through you, even when we are sinning against Him and He wants us to love others, even when they sin against us.”
“So, this Christmas, as an act of gratitude for the love of God and Jesus Christ, let me ask you: Who can you love that doesn’t deserve it? Who can you love that has been unkind to you or unfair to you or who has sinned against you? I’m sure you can think of somebody.”
“You might say, ‘You know, even if I could bring myself to love them, how would I start?'”
“Well, you can start by praying for them. That’s right, pray for them. Jesus said, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you. Why? Because it is impossible to hate someone in God’s presence. As you pray for them, your heart will begin to change towards them. Your heart will begin to soften, even break. Your heart will become more and more like God’s heart.”
“So pray for God’s mercy on them. That’s what they need most. Pray for God to soften their hearts. Pray for God to speak to them and to draw them to Himself. And pray for God to bless them. This can be really difficult, but it’s really necessary.”
“See, our tendency is to want to get even with our enemies. But the only way to get even with somebody who has hurt you is to stoop to their level. And that isn’t God’s way of doing things. God’s way is the merciful way. Loving us even when we don’t deserve it. God takes the high road and He wants us to do the same thing. Besides, which do you think is more likely to bring a person closer to Christ: getting even with them or showing them mercy?”
“So you have to make a choice.”
“God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son. Between now and Christmas day, as a gift to God and as a gift to yourself, pray for anyone who’s been unkind to you. You might even want to send a text or a note to them. Just say, Christmas is the season for love, so I am praying for you today. And then sit back and see what God does in their life and in yours. So, let’s pray about this together:”
“‘Father, thank you for loving me. Thank you for sending Jesus to prove it. Please help me in this Christmas season to show your great love to others, especially to those who have hurt me. You loved me when I was sinning against you, help me to love others when they sin against me, and let my life be a reflection of your great love for the world this Christmas. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen!'” (end of devotion)
Here are my personal words to my son’s killer:
“Because I follow Jesus, he requires me to forgive you. (I looked him directly in the eyes and said:) I have given you my complete forgiveness from the moment you took my son’s life from this earth. Know that God will forgive you if you ask Him. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us.”
“BUT we reap what we sow. God is giving you a chance to find Him in the next 30 years. I believe that 30 years is too short of a sentence for taking my son’s life. Maybe someday you will feel the need to let me know why you decided to kill my son, Luke.”
The killer had to take a step back to shoot my son point-blank in the head. Is he sorry for what he did?
I will never know if he is sorry. He said that he had his reasons for killing my son. Whatever his reasons were, I will never know. He said he was sorry but did not cry and did not seem remorseful. It seemed more like he meant he was sorry for hurting me after the kind words I just said to him than for taking someone’s life.
Does this murderer deserve my forgiveness?
I chose to forgive him immediately, even if he doesn’t deserve it. Forgiving someone is about moving on with your life and finding peace. If you can’t find peace, you will never get any rest or happiness. Even after forgiving him, I struggle with being happy because of the gaping hole in my heart from losing my son.
God reminds us that vengeance is his; it is not our choice. Romans 12:9b, “… “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Again, I ask you, does this murderer deserve forgiveness?
No, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, but God wants us to choose to forgive because it’s the Christianly thing to do. It is a choice we make to forgive. Just like I believe Jesus forgave his own betrayer Judas who led the temple guards to kill Jesus since Judas had sold Jesus out for a measly 30 pieces of silver. But Jesus forgave Judas by saying the words found in Luke 23:24, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” This forgiveness was for all humanity, and that includes Judas and my son’s killer, even though they don’t deserve it.
Because Jesus forgave Judas does not mean that Judas is in heaven. He is not because he did not accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior and ask forgiveness for his sins. Being forgiven and saved are two entirely different subjects. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” This is the only way to heaven.
If I want to be Christ-like, I need to forgive everyone, just as Jesus did. Father, forgive my son’s killer; he knows not what he did.
I don’t know if this will help but try thinking about God forgiving you. Then think about if He were to keep thinking about the hurt that you’ve caused Him. I’m sure you can think of instances where you have hurt God or let him down.
How would you feel if He kept bringing it up and said to you, “My child, you’ve hurt me, and I can’t stop thinking about the pain you have caused me. I am angry at you, and I don’t want to forgive you.” REALLY PUT YOURSELF IN THIS MOMENT. Stop and reread that question again.
God is talking directly TO YOU!!! How would you feel if He said that to you?
No, it will not take away your anger and pain. That may never completely go away, BUT you will start to heal as soon as you completely surrender this to God. I can tell you that I know this is true.
My son is gone because of this killer. How can I not hate him? I don’t know. But I know it is because of God working in me.
I will never see my son again until I get to heaven, and it breaks my heart EVERY DAY.
But, if YOU CHOOSE to forgive, God will HELP YOU. He will heal you.
THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP: You need to PRAY for the people who have hurt you. It’s when you start praying for them that you will feel God pulling your physical and emotional pain out of you. He will make you strong, and every time you pray for them, you will feel less anger and hurt.
Who do you need to offer forgiveness to, just as Jesus has forgiven you on the cross at Calvary?
A very inspiring read. Forgiveness is about our healing and giving it to God.
We definitely need to surrender because we are so weak and God is so strong. Thank you for your kind words, Christina.
My grand daughter was killed by my daughter boyfriend I’m also struggling with forgiveness. Rage fills me when I see him in court. I want it to be sincere the struggle is there. I do pray to God about this hopefully one day peace will fill my spirit on this matter.
I can’t even imagine what you went through. I like to think that I am strong enough in my faith to extend forgiveness, but in that moment, I’m honestly not sure what I would do. I hope that your actions and you praying for Tyrone will maybe bring him to God.
I pray Tyrone will come to know God too. Thank you for your prayers and kind words.
Do I believe an unrepentant murderer deserves forgiveness? No I do not. But the forgiveness we are offered through Jesus sacrifice is not deserved either. Deserved, in my mind, equates with having earned it, which we haven’t. Even though he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, you were right to extend it to him. Forgiveness does much more for the giver than the receiver. I am so sorry you are living such a nightmare. I can’t even begin to imagine. I hope your forgiveness allows you to find the peace that you deserve.
I am definitely finding peace, Sabrina. God is blessing me, even in my pain.
My grand daughter was killed by my daughter boyfriend I’m also struggling with forgiveness. Rage fills me when I see him in court. I want it to be sincere the struggle is there. I do pray to God about this hopefully one day peace will fill my spirit on this matter.
My heart breaks for you, Mark. Forgiveness is more for yourself than others, and it doesn’t mean you don’t want justice. I’m praying for God to help you find peace in Him. Congratulations on taking the first step by acknowledging that you are struggling.
Everyone deserves forgiveness because the Bible says so. If we want to be forgiven then we each need to forgive others.
My question though is how does forgiving someone feel like? Is it supposed to take the pain and anger away? I ask because there are people in my life I wholeheartedly want to forgive and yet the hurt they did me keeps replaying in my mind and I keep getting mad all over again.
How do you feel towards Tyrone?
You are not going to believe me when I say this but I love Tyrone with my whole heart. I know it’s God that makes me feel this way. I could not do this of my own volition.
I don’t know if this will help but try thinking about God forgiving you. Then think about if He were to keep thinking about the hurt that you’ve caused Him. I’m sure you can think of instances where you have hurt God, or let him down. How would you feel if He kept bringing it up and said to you, “My child, you’ve hurt me and I can’t stop thinking about the pain you have caused me. I am angry at you and I don’t want to forgive you.” REALLY PUT YOURSELF IN THIS MOMENT. Stop and reread that question again. God is talking directly TO YOU!!! How would you feel if He said that to you?
No, it will not take away your anger and pain. That may never completely go away BUT you will start to heal as soon as you completely surrender this to God. I can tell you that I know this is true. My son is gone because of this killer. How can I not hate him? I don’t know. But I know it is because of God working in me. I will never see my son again until I get to heaven and it breaks my heart EVERY DAY.
But, if YOU CHOOSE to forgive, God will HELP YOU. He will heal you.
THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP: You need to PRAY for the people who have hurt you. It’s when you start praying for them that you will feel God pulling your physical and emotional pain out of you. He will make you strong and every time you pray for them you will feel less anger and hurt. Please keep in touch if there is any way I can further help you.
“Dear God, please heal my new friend. Help my friend to see your love and to FULLY understand what You meant when YOU died on the cross. Show my friend what your words, ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!’ mean. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.”
I hoped I helped you at least a little. I am crying so hard, as I write this because I want you to heal.
Dear Tammy, you wrote:
“I don’t know if this will help but try thinking about God forgiving you. Then think about if He were to keep thinking about the hurt that you’ve caused Him. I’m sure you can think of instances where you have hurt God, or let him down. How would you feel if He kept bringing it up and said to you, “My child, you’ve hurt me and I can’t stop thinking about the pain you have caused me. I am angry at you and I don’t want to forgive you.” REALLY PUT YOURSELF IN THIS MOMENT.”
I have to say that hit “HOME” with me. I can totally relate to that and apply to myself. Thank you for sharing and opening my understanding some more. Blessings, Elfriede
Elfriede, thank you for your kind words. I’m constantly trying to think of ways to explain things in a relatable way. I’ve decided to add that comment of mine to the actual post because I think it will help people if they can hear God talking to them directly. God bless you!
Very inspiring. I’m so very sorry about your son. God has given you the strength, peace and heart to forgive. Prayers that Tyrone’s heart is changed.
Thank you for praying for Tyrone, Debbie. God bless.
Wow! This was very heavy and raw. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I lost my brother in a boating accident and his friends were held as suspects. I was too young at the time to think of forgiving them or even knowing that I needed to. I commend you for your strength. I don’t know that I could forgive but what you wrote was very powerful. Sending you so much love 🙏💜
Thank you, Keirsten. I’m so sorry about your brother. I hope you have found peace over losing him. I know we always miss them, but God makes it possible for us to go on through Him. I’m praying for you now.
I think you are right in forgiving him but his judgment belongs in the lords hands. In the last day, when Christ looks in his eyes he will know if he repented or if justice needs to be met. We can extend Mercy but there has to be the balance which only Christ can do.
Definitely, God is the final judge. All I can do for Tyrone is to pray that God changes his heart and he turns to God before it is too late.
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves by giving up our need for vengeance.
I agree 100%, Katharine!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. It is obviously God’s working through you that has enabled you to forgive your son’s murderer. Such a terrible loss.
I pray that God will help you to heal from the loss of your son. You are already using your grief for His glory. God bless you.
Thank you, Debbi. I am actually writing my memoir, which will be released soon, to help more people struggling with the same problems.
I am so sorry for your loss. I believe forgiveness is more for you than the offender. In the long run, it will help you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for your kind words, Tricia.
I forgive so I can move on with my life. Though, I am not sure what I would do in your situation. Something to think about. Thank you for sharing.
It is a challenging situation, but I am glad God is giving me strength.
You are a very strong person and I can not imagine what you have been through. I honestly don’t know if I can answer your question since I have never been in your situation. But, I do know that if you don’t forgive, it can be all consuming and not healthy. I commend you for sharing your story.
Thanks, Dawn. I am glad you can’t answer the question because I hope no one else experiences my pain. But God has blessed me through this, and I am blessed to be a blessing. So I will continue to share my story. I even wrote a memoir about my life, which will be released soon. It’s called, Gone in an Instant, Losing My Son, Loving His Killer.
Wow, you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story! I hope that you may continue to heal from this tragedy and know that you will be reunited with your son one day.
Thank you, Emi. I can’t wait to see my son in heaven.
Yes! Forgiveness is a gift we extend to free ourselves to be able to move towards grace. But that doesn’t make it easy to do. You are a very strong woman, Tammy. Your story is powerful. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words, Barbara.
Thank you for the powerful story. God is amazing. My Asperger’s son went through an incident that required God’s intervention. He is still grieving and it is hard for me to watch him go through this. He has forgiven, that is healing. I’m so sorry you went through this but thankful that you are in Christ. Thank you for sharing.
I am saddened to hear about your son, Debbie. I’m so glad he is healing. May God bless you all!
Pretty! This was a really wonderful post. Many thanks for providing this information. Arlie Derek Cirilla
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading my post.
I am sorry for the loss of your son and impressed that you were able to forgive his killer so quickly. I hope that Tyrone is changed for the better due to your words and message.
I have reached out to Tyrone, but he has not replied yet.
Wow, you are an exceptional person. I am sorry you lost your son, my God bless you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for your kind words, Sandi.
In a time when there is so much name-calling and hatred, your story is a shining example of what we all should be striving for–to see one another through God’s eyes and to love one another. I hope that Tyrone has felt a flicker of your love and allows it to take root inside of him. Thank you for being God’s instrument, even when it was difficult.
Thank you so much, Carolyn. I hope Tyrone saw my love too and that it takes root. I hope he responds to my letter. I am writing a memoir, which should be out later this year. I am hoping to help people struggling with similar problems. It’s called “Gone in an Instant, Losing My Son, Loving His Killer.”
Tammy,
I truly have no words as to how moved and impressed I am with your faith. I like to think I live a Christian driven life but if I were in your shoes, I’m not sure I’d have had the same strength. I will keep you in our prayers.
Thank you, Jason. Pray about my memoir, which will be released this year. It’s called “Gone in an Instant, Losing My Son, Loving His Killer.” I’m hoping it will help many people that are struggling with similar problems.
Wow, what a heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration and your forgiveness is beautiful. If Tyrone does ever change and grow through this, your love towards him and will surely have something to do with it. I’m sure you had an impact on him that day. Sending you love.
Thanks, Kristin. Hopefully, Tyrone finds God.
I am so sorry for your loss Tammy & happy you’ve found solace in forgiveness.
Thank you, Suzan.
Tammy, I admire you and your reactions to your son’s murder. I think that my reactions would not be the same.
“Forgiving someone is about moving on with your life and finding peace.” I agree completely, intellectually – this is tough for me!
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Tyrone – who obviously did not know familial love – caught a spark of love from you?
That is my goal for Tyrone. I want him to see my love and, through that, see God’s love. I pray that will happen soon. I definitely made an impact on him when I gave my victim’s impact statement. I don’t know if my impact has held through today since he hasn’t responded to my letter. Thank you for your kind words.
I am very sorry for your loss, Tammy. I can’t imagine what you have been through, and am not sure what I would have done in your place. Very inspiring read.
Thank you for your kind words, Marianne.
So sorry you have had to go through any of this. Admire your strength, courage and faith going forward.
Tiffany, thank you for your kind words. No matter what I am dealing with, God is always good.
So sorry for your loss. May God Almighty surround you & your family with his grace, strength & peace.
Thank you, Maya.
I’ve very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain. And I can’t honestly say what I would do. I know however, that harboring anger and resentment is a slow form of poisoning the soul. I’d have to give it all to God…again and again and again.
Surrender is absolutely the answer to pain. Lay on problems on Him because He cares for us, just as He cares for the birds of the air.
What a great perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I always thought there would be more time to take pictures. When he died, I realized 2 – 3 years had flown by, and it was too late.
I am sorry for your loss. I believe God gave you the right words to speak. Maybe Tyrone will seek God someday if he hasn’t already. We can pray for those who harm us and praying for them helps us forgive. I love your statement Christmas is love.
Wow, wow, wow. You endured possibly the worst that life can throw at you and still chose to seek & obey God. I know God will honor you for the difficult choices you made. No, his forgiveness was perhaps not deserved, but then again, neither is ours. And thank goodness this world is not all there is. We have more to look forward to one day where God will wipe every tear from our eyes.
Wow, Tammy, may God pour out His blessing on your life for sharing your hurt and your story with others. Thank you for your honesty; I really needed to hear this today!
Forgiveness. One simple word that can lift the weight of so much pain. I have learned to forgive and God has healed me from the pain. When I think of the pain I have inflicted on myself and received from others, God reminds me that I am forgiven and that I have forgiven. Your unimaginable story touched my heart and brought me to tears, but we serve a mighty God who walks with us always. Peace and blessings to you.
Beautiful! What a love you have for God, to keep His commandments. Such a challenging call to the rest of us – but a needed reminder that we need God’s forgiveness each day and He gladly gives it. I cannot imagine the grief of losing your son, but what a beautiful story of forgiveness. That man may not understand what your forgiveness means for him, but I believe that it will be something he thinks about often. Thank you for sharing.
What a powerful story of hope, forgiveness and love. I am deeply saddened to read of your sons earthly departure, but so humbled reading how God used you and will continue to- through your son- and your forgiveness to impact the world.