First, let me tell you what happens when you only partially forgive someone.

When you partially forgive someone, you are saying that you are willing to forgive them for only a portion of the wrong you feel they’ve committed against you. Let’s look at an example. Your neighbor steals your shovel during a snowstorm. You slip and fall because you cannot remove the snow to salt the ice beneath it, and this causes you to break your leg.

You say, “I forgive them for taking the shovel, but I can not forgive them for the $5,000 deductible I had to pay before my insurance kicked in to pay the doctor, put on a cast, and receive the follow-up treatment I needed to heal. I also could not work for one week because I was on pain medication, so I lost my income from my job.”

Partial forgiveness is not what God calls us to do.

He wants us to be fully obedient. Partial obedience is a sin. Do you remember Jesus’ words on the cross in Luke 23:34? While he hung on the cross dying, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Would it have been ok for Jesus to say I forgive them for hanging me on the cross, but I do not forgive them for my death? No, because that would be partial forgiveness. Jesus shows us how to unconditionally forgive as he died a painful death to save humanity from their sins when he prayed the words in Luke 23:34.

Partial forgiveness is not forgiving.

It’s the same as trying to be partially obedient to God. There is no such thing. If you want to be obedient to God, you must follow his instructions exactly as he says, not just part of them.

What if you don’t want to forgive?

You probably won’t forgive someone if you wait until you are ready, although it doesn’t usually happen instantaneously, either. You must first acknowledge that God forgave you through grace for all your sins. Then confess your anger toward the person to God so that you can be free. Next, ask God to forgive you for your thoughts toward that person.

You need to ask God to help you. Forgiveness is not conditional; you need to realize that you sin when you don’t forgive.

Finally, forgiving is a choice you make, and this happens when you surrender your anger to God. Genuine forgiveness doesn’t make any demands. Sometimes you need to meet with the person and share your sin; if the person is deceased, you may need to write them a letter or pretend to talk to them to free yourself from your pain.

If you’ve truly forgiven them, your harsh feelings will disappear, and you will accept them the way they are. However, if the difficult emotions keep presenting themselves, you must continue praying for God to change your heart about the person so you can forgive; this may take several tries.  

You will need to forgive again and again. It’s not a one-time process.

In Matthew 18:21-22 Peter asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replied, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” This means you forgive everyone who sins against you every time they sin. It shows your character is Christ-like because of the Holy Spirit living in you.

If you are in an abusive or dangerous situation, get out!

Please don’t misunderstand me. Forgiving does not mean you need to stay in any given situation or even that you need to forget that it happened. It just means that you forgive the person for what they did so you can begin to heal. Forgiveness is different from wanting justice for something that’s happened to you.

Also, sometimes you say you forgive someone, but you don’t really mean it.

You need to do a self-check and see if you’ve truly forgiven them or if you’re just saying you do. What you declare with your mouth may not be what you feel in your heart. If you continuously tell people about the act someone did to you, you probably haven’t truly forgiven them. You need to keep praying and ask God to help you genuinely forgive them.

If you try to justify what someone did to you, you probably haven’t forgiven them.

You can’t make excuses for people, even your family. Instead, truthfully acknowledge what they did and forgive them.

If you don’t, unforgiveness will eat you alive and consume your thoughts. When that happens, you know you haven’t forgiven. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

A perfect example is found in the Lord’s Prayer. Matthew 6:12 says, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” This means if you refuse to let go of the hurt someone has caused you, which you know because you are dwelling on it and still thinking about it, your Father in heaven will not forgive you.

Unforgiveness will ruin you and cause you uncontrollable pain. So choose to forgive.

Just as I had to forgive my son’s murderer when he shot my son in 2017, you need to choose to forgive. Then pray for God to help you. Think about how many times you have sinned against God, and he’s forgiven you. You can’t even count them if you try.

Finally, I want to point out that Matthew 6:12 does not have anything to do with salvation.

If you’ve never received Jesus Christ as Savior, God is knocking on the door of your heart to offer you the gift of forgiveness and eternal life in Jesus Christ. The same gift God offers my son’s killer and everyone who accepts his offer.

If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, will you do it now before it’s too late? If so, just pray in your heart this prayer or use your own words.

A SINNER’S PRAYER:

Dear Jesus, I believe in you. I believe you are the Son of God, that you died for my sins, and that you were buried and rose again as written in the Bible. Please come into my heart so I can have eternal life. Thank you for giving me the Holy Spirit to help me live the way you want me to live. Forgive me for my past sins. Guide me in the future so I can live my life for you. Amen.

Is there someone you struggle to forgive?